Jesse
by Mirandabc
Summary: Things are finally resolved for Xander's (and Willow's) friend from the Buffy pilot. Takes place in early 6th season.


Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me.  
  
Summary: Remember Xander and Willow's friend from the Pilot episode? Me neither. *Snicker* Anyways I kinda liked him, so I figured I'd write a resolvement piece just for him. Break out the hankies.  
  
Spoilers: I don't think any, but is supposed to take place right after "All The Way" (season six's Halloween eppie).  
  
Rating: G  
  
Dedicated To: The actor who played Jesse, Eric Balfour. He's a bit actor that's seen everywhere (have you seen '24', or those recent car commercials starring him as the devil?), and in my opinion he's way underrated. Cute too.  
  
     
  
                         
  
Jesse  
  
        By Rachel Robles (A.K.A Mirandabc)  
  
  
  
I think they've forgotten me.  
  
Well, it's totally understandable if they did. I mean, during the six-year span since I died they've lost several people that they loved. Buffy lost her mom at one point, that had to hurt way more then some kid she'd known for five minutes. I mean, of all those faces that are gone now, of course mine is one of the more forgettable ones. After all, I had moved to town only a year before, and they didn't know me very well.  
  
Still though, that doesn't stop this weird aching whenever I think of it.  
  
As a result, I haven't been in the cemetery for quite a while now. Call it vanity, pride, or just a really big ooky factor- I don't like seeing my headstone all barren and neglected.  
  
Of course technically the grave itself doesn't really represent anything 'cause hello, nothing to actually *bury* there- but there's still the whole symbolism of it all. Which is weird, because I wasn't into the whole symbolism deal when I was alive. But somehow now it feels important. My family comes and leaves flowers and trinkets every so often, but a family member paying respects and a friend paying theirs feels somewhat different. I can't explain it, so I won't try.  
  
But for tonight for some reason I felt myself being drawn to said cemetery, my headstone in particular. I had no clue what it is, but I felt as if something really big was about to happen there. So I walked down the usual stone path that I hadn't walked in months and nodded my acknowledgement to Robert, who is newly passed and is still trying to get his bearings. On this evening he seemed more secure, and returned my silent greeting before heading out the gate past me.  
  
I don't dwell on it much, but when I first died it was really disorienting for me too. Laugh if you want, but I was really thankful that I'd seen Ghost, or else those first days would've been even more confusing. It is kinda freaky how many things me and that character had in common: we both had sudden and violent deaths, didn't realize it at first when we died, able to see and hear loved ones but can't be in their lives, can move objects with intense concentration, and watch other deceased pass into "the light" and talk to the ones still here, like us.  
  
It's that last one that makes me glad in a guilty way that I lived in Sunnydale. There hasn't been as many since Buffy moved here, but good old SD is still number one when it comes to the mortality rate- which for me means that there really hasn't been a shortage of people to talk to.  
  
When I first died and realized that most were going through that light and I wasn't, I figured it was because I had unfinished business. Which, duh, all teenagers that die have unfinished business. In fact the vast majority of those I now converse with were my age when it happened to them.  
  
There are the exceptions though, Ms. Calendar and I hung out for a few months when she died a few years back. Which, had we been living for others to see, would've made me a school icon.  
  
But then Buffy found that disk which Willow scanned, and as we stood there in the classroom the light portal I'd seen a bunch of times opened. Ms. C only had time to give me (or rather the spiritual plane representation of me if you want to get technical) a quick hug and say a hurried goodbye before she too got sucked in the light. I say 'sucked' because the process of "crossing over" works a heck of a lot faster then what they showed in Ghost.  
  
For I while I pondered on what my unfinished business could be. I was a kid and had accomplished nothing while living of course, but if that was the case…how does a spirit ratify that? So I went around Sunnydale, showing the ropes to newbie spirits like others did for me six years ago, until they too crossed.  
  
But whatever my unfinished stuff was it ain't that, because I've been doing it for six years. I guess it doesn't matter that much though- dead or alive it feels good to help people who are scared. The only downside is that you have tons of spare time on your hands to mope about your own existence, and why your friends don't seem to remember you- hence how I was currently spending my evening until 'pulled' to the cemetery.  
  
I perched myself on top of a marker about a yard from mine [sorry Larry], and felt myself again thinking of my first night without a pulse. There is one huge difference between me and Patrick Swayze. As far as I remember the movie, Swayze didn't have to watch his body walk and talk without him in residence. Although I heard through idle spook gossip that a movie came out with a kid that can see and talk with dead people. Where do they come up with this stuff?  
  
                        ***  
  
That first night in the sunken church I was very thankful that I lacked a digestive system, or else I would've ralphed right then and there at the site of my body getting up off the ground with something else inside of it.  
  
I didn't think of my new unearthly status at all those first two nights, and instead pushed those thoughts from my mind and spent the whole time trailing that thing that looked like me. As ironic as it was for me to be concerned in my dead state, I was terrified that it was going to hurt someone. I knew nothing about the true nature of Sunnydale and vampires, and yet I felt like I had always known everything.  
  
I think the demon sensed me as well, 'cuz it had this habit of periodically throwing my hand over my shoulder without looking as if swatting away a fly.  
  
Later that night when it had Xander cornered I knew on a level that I couldn't explain that Xander would act but act too late- so I instinctively took a random girl running by and threw her against the vamp, thereby forcing him, me, on the stake.  
  
That was when I realized that if I concentrated hard enough I could move things, which has come in handy since.  
  
When I watched my physical body melt I was surprised that I, the spirit, didn't fade away too. But I also felt nothing for the body disintegrating, it was really the thing that killed me after all- and on a shallow level I was pissed that the one time I'd get to dance with Cordelia I wasn't actually present.  
  
The next night after that was when it all started to feel incredibly scary. I don't know what lie Willow, Xander, and the English guy, Giles, told my family, because I opted to stay outside. Whatever it was it must've been rough. After they came out they sat on the sidewalk and Xander held Willow while she sobbed, and Giles stood there awkwardly. That was when I first began to really feel "dead".  
  
And after that, I think I gradually began to fade from everyone's thoughts.    
  
             
  
                       ***  
  
It wasn't as if they stopped thinking of me completely. I'm talking about my friends of course, because my mom, dad, little sis and bro talk to me every night via prayers.  
  
Out of non-relatives though I think Buffy took my death as hard as Will and Xander, although she hid it from them. Blamed herself for it, as well as the deaths of the others in the Bronze the night vamp me got staked.  
  
Of course I tried to relate to her that was stupid, and talked 'at' her about how many more were alive because of her. It would've scared the crap out of me had she answered, but in her own way I think she heard and eventually began to let it go.  
  
I was there on both nights that she died too. She wasn't even out of her body completely the first time before Xander started the CPR, but the second night she died I think she caught a glimpse of me. I'll never know though, because a split second after she opened her mouth (again, spiritual plane representation) to speak, she too got drawn into the light.  
  
Xander thought of me a lot when he first started dating Cordelia, immense guilt I guess. Weird that I would still care about stuff like that, but I have to admit that it did irk me a little. I got over it though, just like Xander got over the guilt. After that I believe that I slipped further from his thoughts.  
  
Willow used to think of me occasionally, but I think she's made peace with my death. Although that one time when she got turned into a ghost for Halloween (and a hot one at that, one of my biggest regrets is that I never appreciated how beautiful she was when I was alive, plus she was straight then) she kept turning in a circle and squinting her eyes as if she felt something. She wasn't a true ghost, but maybe there was a voodoo vibe going on at the time that allowed her to feel their presence.   
  
  
  
I think it's excellent that they've moved on, and I'm not asking them to pull out their hair and wail with grief when they think of me. Just that they think of me.  
  
  
  
So to make the long story less long, when I'm not helping newbies I'm involved in the lives of my friends. I only go around my family when I feel that they really need me because that's *way* too painful, but I'm an avid viewer in the goings-on of my friends.  
  
Obviously that's painful too... knowing that I could never kick bad guy ass, bitch about monster research, attempt to flirt with Buffy, goof off with Xander, or be part of a group hug (you miss cheesy stuff when you don't have the actual chance).  
  
Plus I died a virgin, which I'm sorry but for a guy that really bites. No vamp pun intended.  
  
                 
  
  
  
It hurts, watching their lives and watching them grow up without me.  
  
  
  
But sometimes it's also better then watching a soap opera.  
  
I shouldn't think that- my friends have their right to privacy, life is not a spectator sport, blah, blah, blah. But really, their lives get so interesting and complex that at times I feel that all I'm missing is the popcorn. Mmmm. I miss popcorn.  
  
                    ***  
  
  
  
My thoughts end abruptly as a movement under an elm tree grabbed my attention. The figure of a man stepped out into the light of a street lamp, and as he walked closer I nearly fell off the headstone to see that it's Xander.   
  
I hadn't seen him for a few days, and I dully noticed that he looks a bit thrashed, with a scruffy five-o'clock shadow.  Dude looks exhausted, like he's stressing.  
  
He came to a halt directly in front of my headstone (the one with my name on it, not the one I was currently sitting on) and thrust his hands into his jacket pockets.  
  
My headstone sits nearly by itself on the corner of a grassy knoll on an upward slope, and after glancing around I realized that he's the only alive person in the graveyard.  
  
Unconsciously I folded my arms over my chest and crossed my heels in front of me. He's so close that I could practically smell Anya's perfume on him, so there should be no trouble in hearing him if he speaks. Which he does.  
  
"Hey man. Sorry that I haven't been out here for a long time. A lot of stuff has been going on, you know? What to tell you…. well, number one Buffy is now my best friend in the world next to Willow. Who's a witch, by the way, and a lesbian to boot."  
  
He scrubbed the back of his hand against his forehead and left it there.  
  
  
  
"No, there's too much that's happened. I'm just going to say what I came to say."  
  
  
  
Sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or scream at the living thinking that the dead aren't aware of what's going on.  
  
  
  
He lowered the hand and took the other out of the pocket as he cleared his throat.  
  
"I have some news I thought you should know. I'm getting married. It's to a girl that I took to Prom senior year.  To sidetrack a bit- Cordelia and I are so over. She's living in L.A. as a matter of fact, left right after graduation. But this new girl in my life she's…. she's something special. I think you'd like her. Well, either that or she'd drive you insane, there's not much of a middle ground."  
  
He lowered his eyes and started scuffing his foot against a tuff of grass.  
  
"Right now she and I are talking about the future. Yea I know, wild to picture me thinking outside of the present, huh? But we're talking the American dream. Kids, house with a white picket fence… the whole shebang. I just got to thinking how you never got that chance. The planning, along with the actual carrying out of."          
  
The foot became still and he raised his eyes.  
  
"I've seen a lot of people die these past years Jesse, but somehow out of all the death I've seen… yours is one that's stuck with me. Even after Buffy died and when we brought her back. I don't know why…" His voice hitched and he paused.  
  
It was a good thing he couldn't see me. Weirdly enough I still carried the male stigma of guys trying to not let each other see them cry, which would've been difficult due to the sizeable lump in my (ghost) throat.  
  
  
  
As he stood there swallowing, Willow snucked up on me from where she had been standing near a pillar. She must've followed him and walked in a few moments after he did. Obviously she had heard everything, for she stepped next to him and silently slipped her hand into his.  
  
Startled, he jumped slightly. When he focused and realized who it was he wordlessly grabbed her in a tight embrace.  
  
Being dead sucks.  
  
They stood like that for at least a few good minutes until they broke apart and linked arms. As they stared at the words etched on the stone Xander asked huskily, "what do you think he's doing?"  
  
She gave a small smile and gave the appearance of searching for an answer.  
  
"No good, most likely."  
  
Hey.  
  
Xander grinned at her words and shivered. After a moment he said, "At the risk of being redundant, we spend way too much time in graveyards."  
  
  
  
She didn't answer but cocked her head and studied my plot of land intently. "It looks so naked…" Raising the arm that wasn't linked with him, she muttered a few words in Latin. After a moment various flowers of all colors rose up and began to open as suddenly as they appeared.  
  
  
  
Man, have my friends changed.  
  
  
  
Xander smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Martha Stewart, eat your heart out."  
  
He lifted his eyes from the flowers back to my carved name. "Willow's here, so I'm going to take off now. But I didn't want to leave before I said this much… even though it may seem like we're indifferent, we're not. We haven't forgotten, and you are missed. Take care, man."  
  
As he turned to leave Willow stopped him.  She kissed her fingers and bent forward to place them on top of the headstone.  
  
"Good bye Jesse, we love you." She whispered lightly.  
  
He threw his arm over her shoulders and they proceeded to make their way toward the exit.  
  
  
  
As I watched them walk away I felt immensely thankful for having them in my life, no matter how briefly.  
  
  
  
Then I heard a familiar roar from behind me that I had heard many a time, but I had almost given up any hope that I would hear it for me.  
  
Not wanting to believe and get my hopes dashed, I slowly swiveled to look and there it was.  
  
Hanging right behind me in the midst of the graveyard like a great white slash in the fabric of space, was the portal of light.  
  
*My* portal of light.  
  
I frantically racked my brains for anything that had just happened that could qualify as unfinished business resolved. It came to me in a flash and I thought: that's it?! I just needed to hear that I was missed and loved by my friends, that's all? That's what I waited six freakin' years for?  
  
But the tunnel of light was beginning to dim. It dawned on me that the process of actually "crossing over" must be much slower for the ones actually going through it then for the other deceased watching, as I had always been.  
  
I lifted my legs and spun around on the marker, casting one last look at the retreating backs of my friends. I thought of my memories I had with them, as well as the friends that weren't in the graveyard now.  
  
I thought of my family.  
  
But to Willow and Xander I thought: see you soon guys, but hopefully not too soon.  
  
Then I leaped headfirst into the portal.  
  
Into bliss.  
  
THE END 


End file.
